My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
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These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.