I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
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“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
worst…sale…ever
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Happy thanksgiving!
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.