My blood type is coffee.
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2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I’m having an out of money experience.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.