My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
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*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.