My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
You Might Also Like
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Lassie, get help!
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
#gardening
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.