@freeDone01: My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
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@ruthakers: I hate when my kids say "But mom; it was an accident!" So were you pumpkin, but I still have to take responsibility for you.
@OurMarketingGuy: Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
@TheMichaelRock: Kanye West compared his relationship with Kim Kardashian to Romeo and Juliet. So we won't have to deal with them too much longer, you guys.
@carlyken: Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that's a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse [Everyone dies]