*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
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Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Awwwww shit.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.