Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.