The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
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worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
tell em, edith-anne
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.