My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
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The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Google reviews are always so mixed..
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
No. YOU-buprofen.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…