My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
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Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
new wife guy just dropped
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs