@bathflyer: My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he's swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
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@NJFreudian: My therapist asked me, "How would leaving twitter make you feel?" I replied by asking him, "How would switching therapists make you feel?"
@klickitatstreet: I'd only marry someone if they seemed like they'd be pretty easygoing during our divorce.
@LuvPug: My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees. Long story short, I'm getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
@drinksmcgee: They say that ones who hurt you the most also love you the most which means that this clown standing over me with an axe must love me a lot.