My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
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I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
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Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have