My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
she has a point
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”