Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
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Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.