There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
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GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Boom, boom, ching!
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.