love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
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Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨