@DanOverHere: My boss asked me for a brief word. I said "underpants?" and we laughed and laughed and I'm clearing out my desk.
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@Robert_Beau: At Toys R Us: TRU: Yessir? Me: I want a light saber. TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your grandson? Me: 40ish
@HatfieldAnne: First 20 minutes driving through farm country: "Isn't this pretty?" Next 3 hours: *can't remember a life before corn*
@Yair_Rosenberg: Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn't do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
@upsidedowntrash: WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene? ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?