Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
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I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?