My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
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Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Lmao
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo