@bellicosejason: My boss calls me chief, so I really don't know who's in charge anymore. I hope it's not me because I haven't been paying attention.
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@hythemafia: My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure... ..So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die
@TitansHomer: My cousin: "i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!" Me: "some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me"
@Ideal_Victoria: Me: I can't get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth Friend: I love those candies Me: Candies?
@smedlee: The worst thing about when someone tells you to chillax is what to do with their corpse.