Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
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The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.