I SAID YES!!! ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ โค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธโค๏ธ someone asked if I was alone for valentineโs day!!!
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Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like โi can tell youโre really intelligentโ couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
In your 20โs: Iโm going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50โs: Turn that music down, I canโt even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Iโve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: Whatโs my email password?
Brain: I donโt remember.
Me: Whyโd I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Thursday Thought.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event โDropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quiteโ then youโll all see me shine.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: okโฆ
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
I may be getting old but not โdoesnโt know what day of the week it isโ old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Hero horse inspires millions