My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
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What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
When you kidnap a writer.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is