My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
You Might Also Like
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.