My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
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Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
just pretend nothing happened
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv