My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
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I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago