My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
You Might Also Like
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*