@why_vann: My boss just asked me why I wasn't working.. ..i told em cuz I didn't see him coming
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@djdarrellripley: Me: Let's get married secretly, and not tell anybody! Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby? Me: Well, we'll tell the baby...
@mrsjohngoodman: I ran over someone and now there's a bunch of flowers where it happened. It's like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
@KentWGraham: A woman saying "I'm not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won’t feel a thing."
@NolaChef504: If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?