@why_vann: My boss just asked me why I wasn't working.. ..i told em cuz I didn't see him coming
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@Vodkantots: The greatest thing about Christmas is how it teaches kids to be selfish little shits on someone else's birthday.
@LoveNLunchmeat: Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz "we don't have time to get arrested" if you're looking for a parenting role model.
@JessObsess: I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.