My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
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Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
I’m having an out of money experience.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.