My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
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I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Labreador
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
*feels the wind in my toe hair
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
I would move hell over six inches for you
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
me when the borders lift
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.