Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
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What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.