All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
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him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”