My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
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Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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