My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
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FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Super Hand Dog Face
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
normalize having existential bread
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.