My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
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co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
I’m listening
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now