@XplodingUnicorn: My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
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@Sarcasticsapien: I almost always wear black. Not because I'm depressed or trying to be all dark, but because I'm single and don't want to separate laundry.
@Jaywoo74: Cop: You know why I pulled you over? M: Speeding? C: No! M: Not using my blinker? C: No! M: Because I'm drunk? Cop: Sir get off the mower!
@RickAaron: I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.