@XplodingUnicorn: My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
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@TravLeBlanc: I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
@CantWaitToNap: An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
@the_moonface: Maybe if we start smacking people when they say something stupid, evolution will eventually create a delay between thinking and speaking.