@XplodingUnicorn: My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
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@zachheltzel: Tell women at the bar you are the lead singer of Train. There's no way they can know your lying.
@TragicAllyHere: Don't you hate when you're an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you're like, "nooooo, all my air guitars!"
@TeaPartyCat: BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”