My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
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I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I’m not wrong
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again