My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
You Might Also Like
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Passwords are more important than ever.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”