My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
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People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
live, laugh, laundry.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.