Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
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*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
*pronounces patio like ratio
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.