Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
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I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.