@TheMichaelRock: My boss said to "treat customers like you treat your mother", so I haven't answered my phone in a month and I have 74 unheard voicemails.
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@BlindChow: 911: what's your emergency? me: what's YOUR emergency? 911: *starts crying* omg no one's ever asked me that before! me: jk I've been stabbed
@huntigula: Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you. Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
@simoncholland: You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan's and iPhones right? -Me responding poorly to my kid's homemade Father's Day gifts.
@Merman_Melville: At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die