@TheMichaelRock: My boss said to "treat customers like you treat your mother", so I haven't answered my phone in a month and I have 74 unheard voicemails.
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@HallpassCanada: My work has this cute thing they do where if you're really good at your job, they get you to do everyone elses too.
@gwatts77: I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant. Related: I've got some balloons for sale.
@ChaseMit: America's national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.