figuring out my emotional availability:
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My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Sing it!
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.