If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
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No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.