Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
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Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”