My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
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*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
philosophical skeletons be like
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.