my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
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[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.