My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
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*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty