My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
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Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous