Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
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Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
*ernest hemingway voice*
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.