My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
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I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
🙂🙃🥹
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Breaking news:
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Mhm.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Coffee is ready.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from