My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
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MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
titanic
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe