The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
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GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*