A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
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I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Not all heroes wear capes….
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Every work meeting this week
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me: