I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
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Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
How to find Kentucky on a map
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
my mom making me talk to relatives
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK