@HeyZeus666: My boss thinks that homosexuality is a disease, so I'm calling in gay tomorrow.
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@WildeThingy: Food wedding anniversaries: Year 1: champagne 2: strawberries 3: chocolate 4: donuts 5: protein shakes 6: microwave meal 7: Rat poison
@two1ohhbabydoll: "Bro, if she can still walk to the kitchen to make you a sandwich, you did it wrong." - murderers, apparently.
@kate_smithxx: I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.